you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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