One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
