I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
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If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
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My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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