I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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