Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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