I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
