Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
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He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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