I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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