you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
