Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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