so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
