in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
