I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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