i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
