Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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