Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
