Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
