sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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