Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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