I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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