this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
