I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
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i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
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I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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