I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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