I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
