I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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