if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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