I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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