Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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