the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
