Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
