I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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