I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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