so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
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