I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
