This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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