I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
how does that bad decision feel?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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