Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
