ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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