Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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