I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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