It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
