I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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