I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
