Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
