I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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