It's chlamydia! Thank God!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who died my cat blue again?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
