I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
