3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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