I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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