I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
