Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
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I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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