Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im holly from the hills drunk
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
