you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
