Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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